Is she playing?

I sent an email to Elena asking her to check my Ethics document on April 14. I said I appreciate if I have your respond ASAP.

Although I asked her for a quick respond, she sent me an email on April 15 to respond the former email on April 12:

Hi Homa,

Please let me know if you need anything at this stage, or if you simply need to go for a cup of coffee to de-brief. Coding is a very lonely task.

Regards,

Elena

Then on April 17 she answered back:

Dear Homa,

I’ve had a look at this. The statements contain small mistakes which I will correct with MSWord track changes. I can bring them to you to our next meeting with Allyson. We probably will like to discuss the final survey and interview questions.

Regards,

Elena.

I feel that she is just playing with me. She writes emails in a very different way as she is. I think to show herself differently. I don't know for sure, but that is my feeling!

Unwell!

Im unwell since Friday! That makes me not very productive, however I came to Uni on Sunday and did some study.

I had an email form Allyson and Elena for a meeting.

My plan!

Im asked to finish 2 chapters of my thesis till 30 of June. I have written different pieces here and there, but they are not in a continues flow. So, I need a structure and I also need to work on my coding.

Structure:

Im going to look at few other thesis and see how they did. Then I follow my own thinking.

Coding:

The same, I need to see how others act and then follow my own thinking. 

Outcome of the meeting!

Dear Homa

Michael Stockenhuber and I met with Rosalind Smith (ADRT Education), Elena Prieto-Rodriguez and Allyson Holbrook to discuss your candidature and supervision and have come to the following agreement. 

CHANGE TO PROGRAM

Whilst your topic is very heavily influenced by the Education area we discussed your desire to stay in the Engineering degree. If you decide to stay in Engineering it would be best that you transfer to a PhD Engineering.  Therefore we advise that your program will be transferred from PhD Computer Engineering to PhD Engineering.

SUPERVISION AND SUPERVISORY MEETINGS

As your enrolment will remain in Engineering your Principal Supervisor will remain as Bill McBride. Your Education supervision team will be changed so that Allyson and Elena have an equal percentage therefore the supervisory makeup will be:

Bill McBride – Principal Sup: 20%

Allyson Holbrook – Co Supervisor: 40%

Elena Prieto-Rodriguez – Co Supervisor: 40%

Both Allyson and Elena will be present at your future supervisor meetings and, if required, Bill McBride.  These are to be on a weekly basis as set by Allyson and Elena.

In future could you please cc: all supervisors into your email conversations and they will do likewise.

PROGRESS

 Your supervisors have requested that you submit two full draft chapters of your thesis by 30 June 2014.  This will be 1) Literature Review chapter and your 2) Methods chapter. 

Your supervisors have also requested a progression plan and timeline to be sent at your earliest convenience.

COUNSELLING SERVICES

We realise that this also has been a very stressful time for you and would like to make you aware of the counselling services available on campus.  Counselling is a free confidential service to students.  Our other RHD students who have attended the service have given me positive feedback on the service and said it has helped them with their wellbeing.  If you would like to make an appoint please so via their website: http://www.newcastle.edu.au/current-students/support/health-counselling-and-wellbeing/your-mental-health/counselling/book-an-appointment or phoning 4921 5801

FUTURE MEETING WITH THE ADRT

We will need to complete the paperwork in order to initiate the change to your degree name and supervisory team. I can start this process if you like.  If you would like to meet further with the ADRT and myself, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Regards ~ Chanel

Chanel Hopkinson
Research and Research Training Officer
Faculty of Engineering and Built Environment

Keep Calm and Keep Coding! :)

I was hoping to see Allyson this week, but apparently she is busy and the meeting postponed to next week.

We have Easter holiday this week. So, I have to finish my coding before the next meeting with Allyson. I shouldn't wait to see her.

Last time she was talking about creativity and innovative ways in Engineering. How can I realise this items in the curriculum document?

I don't let others make me mad!

It seems that they are arranging everything to kick me to Education. I dont accept. I stay and I fight for my right.
Im not supposed to let them make a decision about mine. Its my right. They wasted 2 years of my life. No they say 'good bye'!!!
Im not letting them to do so!

Monday marvelous!

Im thinking its not only me! Ive heard from other friends that their supervisors told them they cant finish. I will stay and fight for my right.
I gone make a this week the best week of my life. I have Youka with me. I have a perfect family. PhD is only a small piece of it. It doesn't change my life negatively...

Working Sunday!

Meeting with Michael!

I had a meeting with Assistant Dean Research Training yesterday!

Im broken, totally broken!
The whole idea is to kick me out to Education. He said you don't need a supervisor form Engineering!!
Apparently, Bill is not happy working with me. We didn't have any conflict. And he himself volunteered to be my supervisor. I told Michael, he said no he didn't!!!
He also said its very late to do Ethics application, do something else!!

A maze!

The whole PhD is a big maze! Soem times you feel you are close, very close to the end, just a few steps and then woohooo! But then you realise that no way! You even lost your path!
Just when I thought that I have learnt form Saldana and I can start my coding, I realised that no way! I dont know what Im looking for! Any thing special? Any difference? Any similarities? I just simply don't know!

Done with Saldana!

I did read the First Cycle coding of Saldana's book. It was an useful source, simple language and understandable. I wish I could know that before...I feel Im beyond of everything...

Now, I wanted to start coding again and this time based on whatever I learnt from Saldana! I hope it works!

Hypothesis Coding!

If I look at the literature, particularly engineering curriculum and find some features as a 21st century features of curriculum, then I can search those items in  the curriculum to see their position in the current curriculum.
Although it seems interesting, I more do like to explore something in the curriculum.

I am angry!

I am going to visit Dr. Michael Stockenhuber on Tuesday. Apparently they have been concerned about the issues that I have mentioned in my progress report.

I thought now I may have a chance to talk about my feelings and my positions. I searched my previous emails and it maid me so angry. How stupid I was to trust these people! Im angry about myself...

First year

Ethics Application was done.
Now useless, although I spent lots of time.


NVivo course
Asked and paid by RHD money

Coursework (Research Method- Quantitative)
Asked by myself

SSTAR (Staff and Students Talking About Research)
Attended and presented

Poster Competition
Prepared and sent, but I was not eligible as my first year was not passed.

AAEE2012 Conference at Melbourne
Presented but they said its not a PhD level.

TALE Conference in Malaysia
Paid and they accepted to publish as I had another conference at the same time

Internal presentation at Education
Presented while only few students presented.


Second year:

Confirmation
She made a change few days before confirmation. She said Im aggressive when I asked her why.

3Minutes Thesis
I asked her and she said its not for you (I guessed she did not want to be involved). So upset and I asked the T&L staff to help me.

TALE conference accepted for Journal (Engineering Pedagogy)
First, she accepted to contribute in submission process, then she said she cant. She paid from the Uni money I guess.

Accepted paper form Belgium 
Did not attend as I was worried about my research.

Coursework (Research Method- Qualitative) 
Asked by myself

Working on Theory of Change
Completely useless although she said its good.

Presented in a conference in UNSW
All by myself, she did not even know. (I was sure she will make it complicated for me).

Coding
Ive done and spent a lot of time. She admitted is good, but now I realised that it is not systematic at all. When she had not done whatever she was saying and I asked her why She said Im aggressive.

SSTAR
Presented.

Not feeling well!

Im not feeling well since Wednesday afternoon! Still not feeling 100%! Ohhh...

How she thinks!

I got an email from Elena inviting me to present in SSTAR conference.

• How stupid I was when I presented last times!
• She even didn't come to my presentation last time.
• Whats the point?

I said no and she pretended to be nice saying I understand! Do you really understand? Do you really understand how you ruin my life? How you ruin my motivation? How you ruin my personality? How you ruin my self steam?
I don't want to think about it. Its worthless!

Crap academic world!

These days Im reading (and simultaneously writing) about coding from Saldana's book. Its a very interesting and easy to understand book.
While I was reading thorough I realised that the whole time that I was coding my document (Program Handbook), I did not do it in a systematic way. Im so angry because Elena did not tell me. I think Im just wasting my time because of her. Its not her first time. Every time I trust her, I missed a big block of time:
My first year questionnaire
Theory of change
Coding
She could ask, she could say she is not sure. Instead she said its good!
How irresponsible some people are!
My intention right now is to just finish this PhD and escape from this crap academic world! I don't want to argue, I dont want excuse, I dont want to discuss, I want to release!

What is next?

• I have started note taking about coding from Saldana (the reference that Allyson suggested).
• I have finished Ethics Application and I need to push Dr. McBride to submit that.

What else I need to do?

• I have to ask Elena for another round of coding...
• I think its better if I finish the coding chapter from Saldana
• I am in need of a rough plan